Day Seven

The night before leaving on vacation is as predictable for us as the rising of the sun. Stay up packing until after midnight and then leave before 8am. Drive all day and then collapse. Same thing this trip. I realized this afternoon how needed this trip is for all of us. Everyone is worn down physically.

Between school and work there hasn’t been much time for anything else. For Chase it is life as a junior in high school, a weekend dance competition just completed, and preparation for Les Miserables, the spring production at school. For me, work has been all consuming during the past three months. Just keeping up with Chase and me has been enough for Patty to need a break.

For Drew it has been the all consuming first year of teaching and coaching. Tyler just got back from visiting his girl friend in Viet Nam. He is still recovering from jet lag. It is weird to say that my son was in Viet Nam. My draft number was 26 the year that they removed educational deferments in 1973. I joined the Air Force Reserves so that I would not go to Viet Nam, and here he was buying a ticket to go voluntarily.

Thinking about our pre-vacation pattern makes me think about the whole issue of my patterns. Two years ago the wheels began to come off the car for me personally and in my business. Looking back, I realize that it was the start of my journey to emotional, spiritual, and physical well being.

While I could blame the problems on external factors, I now believe that the catalyst was my deep desire for growth. Even though I was floundering emotionally and struggling in my business, there was something clawing its way up from the depths of my soul that would not be contained. Sometimes I helped it grow. Other times I watched it take on a life of its own. Still other times I was petrified with fear because I could not image what life would look like without those old patterns of though and action.

A new reality soon set in. The old patterns just weren’t working any more. I didn’t want them to work any more. The bigger problem was that I didn’t know where the new path was leading. At times I wasn’t even sure there was a path. It was a pretty chaotic time. I now refer to that time as the valley of the shadow. If you know the Lord’s Prayer you will recognize the phrase. It was a dark and emotionally painful time in my life. I was forced to confront my life at the deepest level.

Looking back, I realize that the turning point was an afternoon spent with a friend and guide, Kit Landry. In a 45 minute meeting she helped me create enough sacred space to confront a critical point in my past. Rather than running from the past as I had done it the past, I faced it. I refused to run. Even if it killed me, I was going to face the pain.

A strange thing happened. All of the feelings and emotions bottled up for 40 years came flooding out. A raging river of emotions erupted like a volcano. I was back in my early adolescent skin for a moment and the full force of their power was unleashed.

Then suddenly, within that rage, I found the power to confront that event and my dad. Instead of being a victim and feeling powerless, I found the strength to act. In that moment, the old feelings and events lost their control over me.

At church we talk about the death and resurrection of Christ. We all know that it is a faith commitment. You can’t prove it scientifically. I know for a fact, however, that the death and resurrection motif is very real from a psychological perspective. Before the real you can emerge, something has to die. In this case, that something was the set of beliefs that created the old negative patterns in my life.

Changing patterns has been the hardest thing in my life. It has also been the most rewarding. I would never be in the year of living intentionally if I had not first faced my fears and found the power to change them.

As I think about it, the major work may be complete but there is still lots left to do. For now, though, I think I will get some rest. Day Seven

The night before leaving on vacation is as predictable for us as the rising of the sun. Stay up packing until after midnight and then leave before 8am. Drive all day and then collapse. Same thing this trip. I realized this afternoon how needed this trip is for all of us. Everyone is worn down physically.

Between school and work there hasn’t been much time for anything else. For Chase it is life as a junior in high school, a weekend dance competition just completed, and preparation for Les Miserables, the spring production at school. For me, work has been all consuming during the past three months. Just keeping up with Chase and me has been enough for Patty to need a break.

For Drew it has been the all consuming first year of teaching and coaching. Tyler just got back from visiting his girl friend in Viet Nam. He is still recovering from jet lag. It is weird to say that my son was in Viet Nam. My draft number was 26 the year that they removed educational deferments in 1973. I joined the Air Force Reserves so that I would not go to Viet Nam, and here he was buying a ticket to go voluntarily.

Thinking about our pre-vacation pattern makes me think about the whole issue of my patterns. Two years ago the wheels began to come off the car for me personally and in my business. Looking back, I realize that it was the start of my journey to emotional, spiritual, and physical well being.

While I could blame the problems on external factors, I now believe that the catalyst was my deep desire for growth. Even though I was floundering emotionally and struggling in my business, there was something clawing its way up from the depths of my soul that would not be contained. Sometimes I helped it grow. Other times I watched it take on a life of its own. Still other times I was petrified with fear because I could not image what life would look like without those old patterns of though and action.

A new reality soon set in. The old patterns just weren’t working any more. I didn’t want them to work any more. The bigger problem was that I didn’t know where the new path was leading. At times I wasn’t even sure there was a path. It was a pretty chaotic time. I now refer to that time as the valley of the shadow. If you know the Lord’s Prayer you will recognize the phrase. It was a dark and emotionally painful time in my life. I was forced to confront my life at the deepest level.

Looking back, I realize that the turning point was an afternoon spent with a friend and guide, Kit Landry. In a 45 minute meeting she helped me create enough sacred space to confront a critical point in my past. Rather than running from the past as I had done it the past, I faced it. I refused to run. Even if it killed me, I was going to face the pain.

A strange thing happened. All of the feelings and emotions bottled up for 40 years came flooding out. A raging river of emotions erupted like a volcano. I was back in my early adolescent skin for a moment and the full force of their power was unleashed.

Then suddenly, within that rage, I found the power to confront that event and my dad. Instead of being a victim and feeling powerless, I found the strength to act. In that moment, the old feelings and events lost their control over me.

At church we talk about the death and resurrection of Christ. We all know that it is a faith commitment. You can’t prove it scientifically. I know for a fact, however, that the death and resurrection motif is very real from a psychological perspective. Before the real you can emerge, something has to die. In this case, that something was the set of beliefs that created the old negative patterns in my life.

Changing patterns has been the hardest thing in my life. It has also been the most rewarding. I would never be in the year of living intentionally if I had not first faced my fears and found the power to change them.

As I think about it, the major work may be complete but there is still lots left to do. For now, though, I think I will get some rest.