April 26, 2010

It is funny how things begin to turn. It is not like things happen overnight but you begin to see a pattern. I look back over the past few years and I see a clear pattern. I decided I didn't want to live like I was living and so I set in motion the situations where the things that used to work didn't work any more. I don't blame anyone else. It was clearly me, in hindsight, saying, "I don't want to think like this any more and I don't want to act like this." I couldn't admit it openly to myself, though, so the old subconscious kicked the wheels in motion.

If you wondering what the "live that way any more" means it was that I was trying always trying to get there. I was tired of wanting others to take care of me. Tired of doing things that really were not a part of who I was.

There are a couple of other things that have been critical on the journey. First, I decided to ask for help. Whether it was spiritual help, financial help, emotional help, physical help. I finally found the courage to start asking others. I think that I was actually saying, "I not only can't do this on my own any more, but I don't want to do it alone anymore."

Another critical step was that I stopped running. I started facing my fear. That was a huge thing. Another step that is emerging now is that I am moving forward with energy, not trying to run on my heels - going forward with part of my trying to hold back. In this environment I see things different and am not acting different. Exciting times are ahead.